blokate

I was watched Hayley giggle and run around and try to wiggle out of my mother's arms today and man... makes me want so badly to have a family. I guess where I thought this supposed being called God was leading me was away from that. And I thought that was a sacrifice I was willing to make.

Not that any of this matters. I don't drink, I don't smoke. I don't like parties. I'm difficult, I can be moody, I believe in too much. I'm not really pretty, I have no boobs and I'm a ditz without any sexy bone in her body. Have been called a bitch. Starting to believe I am one and trying to figure out how not to be.

Anyway, the point is, the only guy I've dated I dated for a week. Unofficially. Basically just getting to know each other.

And as soon as he knew me that was it.

Yeah so basically I will never be married anyway because I can't stand the majority of the men in this world and I can't even stand myself so how the hell am I expected someone else to even like me.

I don't know how to be apathetic. I can't relax. I care too much. About too many things and about too many people. I feel like my character is a mosaic of everything broken in this world and I just wanna fix myself. I want to feel normal. I want to feel wanted. I want to feel loved. I want to stop hating myself. I want to have a friend who knows just how much I hate myself and who knows exactly who I am and loves me anyway. Who helps build me back up so maybe one day I can have a little confidence.

As for now I'm still making lists of the things I want so badly to do and never end up doing.

God I'm so full of shit