blokate

God I'm so full of shit

2008-07-07T04:48:45+02:00

I was watched Hayley giggle and run around and try to wiggle out of my mother's arms today and man... makes me want so badly to have a family. I guess where I thought this supposed being called God was leading me was away from that. And I thought that was a sacrifice I was willing to make.

Not that any of this matters. I don't drink, I don't smoke. I don't like parties. I'm difficult, I can be moody, I believe in too much. I'm not really pretty, I have no boobs and I'm a ditz without any sexy bone in her body. Have been called a bitch. Starting to believe I am one and trying to figure out how not to be.

Anyway, the point is, the only guy I've dated I dated for a week. Unofficially. Basically just getting to know each other.

And as soon as he knew me that was it.

Yeah so basically I will never be married anyway because I can't stand the majority of the men in this world and I can't even stand myself so how the hell am I expected someone else to even like me.

I don't know how to be apathetic. I can't relax. I care too much. About too many things and about too many people. I feel like my character is a mosaic of everything broken in this world and I just wanna fix myself. I want to feel normal. I want to feel wanted. I want to feel loved. I want to stop hating myself. I want to have a friend who knows just how much I hate myself and who knows exactly who I am and loves me anyway. Who helps build me back up so maybe one day I can have a little confidence.

As for now I'm still making lists of the things I want so badly to do and never end up doing.

God I'm so full of shit

Digital Moves & Views

2008-07-07T04:47:00+02:00

When was the time i become the best Digimon Fan ever? Ending myself up as an Honorary Atenean? Stop! Maybe not, but i'll end up looking like Takuya Kanbara as i try to ride a bike to enter Ateneo. Now this is bizarre: If Burning Greymon attacks Ateneo, i'll end biking my way out or hitch it in for a ride to see the entire school.

My favorite bike color? Red w/ hints of black. My MP3 Player was filled & uploaded w/ some songs that includes some Digimon Opening Themes, from Digimon 02, Digimon Tamers & Digimon Frontier. I was listening to the Digimon Frontier Opening Theme as i tried to know how to ride a bike at Ateneo!

The truth is, i wish i can ride a bike for the 1st time. That was 1 of my dream life goals as of now. But i wish i can ride a bike for the 1st time, i'm so excited for it!

During the recent elections to the Karnataka

2008-07-07T04:44:22+02:00

During the recent elections to the Karnataka legislative Assembly, one aspect which was discussed quiet openly was the display of enormous money power. Never before had so much money flown so openly in bribing voters, especially in regions where the Mining lords and the real estate lobby had a sway over the election campaign. Even those who were once considered "money bags" in the more innocent days of electioneering, were left gasping for breath, trying to keep pace with the recent entrants to the game. "I have decided that I will die but not contest another direct election", a well known former MP from Karnataka had remarked as hordes of people waited outside his house, during the campaign.

But what happened in Karnataka, and many other States in the country, where the role of hard cash is becoming increasingly evident in elections, may all pale into insignificance. The State which has overtaken most other Indian States quietly in the obnoxious use of money to buy votes is somewhere tucked in the edge of India in the north east. Arunachal Pradesh, which hardly registers in the minds of people in the mainland India, witnessed Panchayat elections late last month, and some re-elections are still on.

In this tiny picturesque State, where hardly one sees a tourist, forget foreigners, even Indians, elections have become a nightmare for potential candidates. And at all level, from Gram Panchayat to Parliament.

"I wanted to contest the Assembly elections last time, but then I realised that I could not even cross the first hurdle--- of getting a major national party ticket. I had to pay, a ridiculous amount, and I decided to forget it, as I didn't have that kind of money". This is a prominent woman in Itanagar, the capital of Arunachal Pradesh.

In fact even in the recently held Panchayat elections, it is only those who could generate huge amount of cash who could contest. Talking to a cross section of people in some parts of the State, one could gather how cash-minded the politics of the State has become.

Even at the lowest level, which is a gram Panchayat, where ordinarily there are no more 300 to 400 voters, no candidate can hope to get elected, without spending anything less than Rs.4 to 5 lakhs. For a Zilla Parishad seat, for anyone who cannot raise Rs.35 to 40 lakhs, there is no hope. But that also does not assure a seat.

"The candidate I supported for the Zilla Parishad seat, an independent, also spent atleast Rs.30 to 35 lakhs, but she could not win, as the candidate who won from Congress spent much more", confided a school teacher in Ziro, a district headquarters, six hours by road from Itanagar. One can get an idea of the enormity of the cost involved, as in an average Zilla Parishad constituency there are only 2,800 voters in this sparsely populated State.